


Expedition

by Port_in_a_Storm



Series: Climbing Mountains [1]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Dysfunctional Relationships, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Robert, POV Third Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-23
Updated: 2015-11-23
Packaged: 2018-05-03 02:32:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5273231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Port_in_a_Storm/pseuds/Port_in_a_Storm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A reflection of the love between Aaron and Robert, from their first meeting...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Expedition

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first of a three-part series, which retells the story of Robron. This first goes from their first meeting to May, so expect confusion, first stirrings of love, and angst. Enjoy ;)

It was the strangest thing, coming back to Emmerdale. Things had changed so much for him over the last ten years, yet Emmerdale seemed to be stuck on a loop. Apart from a change of faces, who owned what, and people looking a lot older than he remembered, nothing had really changed. Well, not _nothing_.

Robert stopped by his father’s grave, hands in his pockets and just looking down at the name. He didn’t feel much of anything if he was being honest. He couldn’t even squeeze a few tears out just to look good. He had left the old man behind with all of his emotions it seemed. He was glad he was alone out here: no one needed to witness the cold-heartedness of Robert Sugden. He shook his head. There was nothing he wanted to do, nothing he wanted to say. So why was he here? He could be up at Home Farm, christening every room with Chrissie. He could be in the pub, lording it over the locals, taunting his brother with his presence. But instead he was here, in the cold, staring at a piece of rock.

‘Remember what I said about me wanting to make my fortune,’ he suddenly said. ‘And you just told me that you wanted me to work on the farm? What do you think now Dad? Eh? ‘Cause I’m there. I’m up there with the best of them, and you’re in the ground.’ He sniffed and exhaled deeply. He didn’t mean any of it; he lashed out: that was what he _did_. He walked away without saying anything else.

He walked into the pub and it fell quiet. It was everything he had imagined: he felt like _someone_. He felt better than all of them; better than everyone he had left behind. So what if he’d had to sell what was left of his questionable soul to get it?

****

Robert was convinced he was incapable of love. He supposed years of thinking he wasn’t good enough for his father really took its toll on his emotional state, and he was left feeling unlovable and unloved. Chrissie made him feel a little better. He thought that a hole was filled when he met her. Turned out, it was probably just the money and the status. Oh, he cared about her, but maybe what Katie said to him when he arrived back in the small village was right: maybe he was incapable of loving anyone but himself.

But then he saw Victoria again, and he realised that that just wasn’t true: he loved his little sister in a way he thought he had forgotten. She was the only light for miles most days. Even with Chrissie waiting for him in his mansion of a house, Robert didn’t feel quite whole. Something was missing. He berated himself for being unsatisfied with what he had: he had come a hell of a long way from the young boy who was excommunicated from his family, and forced to flee the village which had made him what he was. He could handle not knowing _true love_ , whatever that was. He didn’t need it after all: he had everything he could ever need under one enormous, spectacular roof.

****

> ‘I don’t negotiate with idiots.’
> 
> ‘Oh really? That’s alright then, negotiate with me.’

Aaron Livesy. Later, lying in bed with Chrissie snoring gently beside him, Robert tried the name on his tongue, rolled it around his mouth. There was something about the smug little bastard that got under Robert’s skin. He smirked, remembering the narrowed blue eyes, the rough voice, the _attitude_. He felt himself getting aroused, turned his back to his wife-to-be, and jerked off as silently as he could, with Aaron Livesy’s name on his lips. 

It became both better and worse when he found out that Aaron was gay. Worse because he had no reason now to stay away from him, and as much as he wanted Aaron, he wanted things to work out with the Whites even more. Better because now at the dead of night, he could picture Aaron on his knees in front of him, or on all fours waiting for Robert, and know that it was something he could have if he went after it. And god, did he want it.

****

Robert forgot what it was to live in a village. Life was slow. People were slower. There was nothing here to amuse him, and even Chrissie – adjusting as she was to being lady of the manor – was starting to aggravate him. He was no longer suited to the life of gossip and corner shops; he liked excitement in his life. And right now, nothing was more exciting than imagining fucking Aaron in the back of his car.

But against all of his better judgement, Robert started to feel something for Aaron Livesy. There was something about him that made Robert want to be a better person. He supposed that was what drove him to apologise to Andy, something he thought he would never do. Robert was different around Aaron: softer, gentler, just as smug but he had a reason to be when he managed to make Aaron smile the way that he did. He didn’t think he’d ever be capable of love, but this man with his personality as layered as Robert’s own past…. Fuck if Robert hadn’t fallen in love with him.

****

> ‘People didn’t give up on me. And I chilled out. A bit.’
> 
> ‘I thought you were done with me?’
> 
> ‘I can change my mind, can’t I?’

Robert remembered the first time he had seen Aaron’s scars. He had been completely freaked out: he hadn’t signed up for a guy with a past that wouldn’t quit. So he did what he did best: he lashed out. He regretted his insensitivity afterwards, when he’d had a chance to hear over and over again what he’d said to Aaron in that bar, how he had mocked his scars and as good as laughed at his pain. He was lucky that Aaron was so forgiving; that he was willing to give anyone a second chance if they genuinely felt remorse. 

He had Aaron on his side when the debacle over the rings came out. Chrissie wasn’t even on his side, and neither was Vic. But Aaron had already forgiven him (and perhaps that was the moment Robert thought he could fall in love with the beautiful man), and had changed his mind about Robert.

After their interruption by Katie, Robert waited outside the pub for Aaron. He had changed out of his suit (more was the pity), but to Robert’s eyes, no one could have looked more incredible. He drove them out of the village and parked up at a lay-by. He left the engine running so that the heat would continue to circulate, and then turned to Aaron.

‘Thanks. For today.’

Aaron shrugged. ‘I didn’t do anything.’

‘You didn’t give up on me,’ Robert said, smiling through the rehash of Aaron’s earlier words. ‘It means a lot to have someone on my side.’

‘Yeah, well, we’ve all made stupid mistakes.’ He smirked. ‘Some more stupid than others, but.’

Robert smiled. Their conversation lapsed, the humming engine the only sound. His eyes drifted down Aaron’s body and Robert’s blood ran hot. That was, until his gaze focused on his stomach. Robert hadn’t brought up the scars since their drink at BarWest. To be honest, he was too afraid to: he was worried about what he may discover about Aaron. Now though, tonight, after Aaron had stuck by him, after he had agreed to take him back even after all the bile Robert had thrown at him, Robert felt a need to know, to understand. He knew it wouldn’t happen now, but he wanted Aaron to know that he _wanted_ to know. So he reached out and touched his lover’s stomach through the shirt. Aaron’s breath hitched.

‘Don’t.’

‘I’m not gonna do anything,’ Robert whispered. He could still feel the scars under his fingertips, the raised wounds on otherwise unblemished, beautiful skin. ‘Will you tell me about it one day?’ he asked. He didn’t look away from his own hand on Aaron’s stomach, but felt the boy’s blue eyes on him.

Aaron was quiet for a long moment. ‘Why?’ he asked finally. His voice was rough, but not in the way Robert usually liked: this sounded more like his already vulnerable emotions grating on sharpened stone.

Robert looked up and met Aaron’s eyes with his own. _(Because I want to protect you. Because I want to know why someone like you had to do this to yourself. Because I want to know_ who _drove you to do this. Because I want to know how to make it stop hurting.)_ ‘Because I want to know.’

‘I dunno,’ Aaron said. He swallowed and his jaw clenched. Robert couldn’t look away.

‘I won’t hurt you again.’

Aaron pushed Robert’s hand off his stomach. ‘If you say so.’

****

> ‘Interesting choice of venue. You conduct all your business meetings here, do ya?’
> 
> ‘Depends on the business.’

Robert was proven wrong about village life: it could be exciting. He opened the barn door and found Aaron waiting for him in his trademark black hoodie and jeans. Since investing in the scrap yard, Robert didn’t _technically_ need to arrange these sordid meetings in barns. But he got a kick out of them, it cemented it even more that he was doing something _wrong_ , something _immoral_. It was what he got off on. (He tamped down on the thought that maybe it was just seeing Aaron that he got off on.) 

‘So why here? Again?’ Aaron asked, nodding to the room full of hay.

‘What, don’t you like it?’ Robert said. ‘I booked it especially for us.’

Aaron shook his head, and did that side smile that made Robert’s cock twitch. ‘You’re unbelievable.’

‘Thanks.’ He leaned in and kissed his secret lover on the lips. If he let it linger a little longer than he strictly should have done, that was up to him. ‘I’ve had no complaints so far.’

Aaron pulled back out of the kiss and Robert huffed in annoyance. Thank god the boy was such a good lay, or he would have got out of this affair weeks ago. (He ignored the part of him that liked to whisper that nothing in the world would ever part him from this amazing young man.) ‘What?’

‘Nothin’,’ Aaron answered. He knelt and started to undo Robert’s belt.

‘Whoa! Keen are we?’

Without taking his eyes off the belt, then the fly, then the cock in front of him, Aaron said, ‘I have somewhere I need to be.’

‘Somewhere-’ Robert cut his words off with a gasp when wet heat enveloped his cock. He looked down and became transfixed by Aaron’s pink lips around him. He smiled and pushed a hand through Aaron’s hair. If his lover was keen, who was Robert to stop him?

Later, both collapsed and panting on the hay, Robert tried to voice his question again. ‘Somewhere to be?’

Aaron frowned. ‘Eh?’

‘You said you have somewhere you need to be.’

‘Oh. Yeah. I’m meeting someone in town.’

Robert’s eyes widened and his breath caught in his throat. ‘Oh yeah?’

Aaron nodded. ‘Just a mate.’ He looked at Robert from beneath his eyelashes, as if he was asking permission. It made Robert angry.

‘Yeah, well, I’m not gonna stop you.’

Aaron looked taken aback for a second, before he recovered and schooled his expression into something more covered. ‘Good. I’ll go then.’

Driving back to Home Farm, Robert wasn’t at all bothered about Aaron meeting with his _mate_ in town. Not bothered at all.

****

> ‘I didn’t really think _feelings_ came into it.’
> 
> ‘No kidding. And now?’
> 
> ‘I still don’t.’

Death was a funny thing. So sudden. There was nothing more final than death. Katie’s eyes were vacant, her expression slack. Perhaps he should have been more alarmed by his actions. Not the pushing, but what came after: deleting the photo and the texts off her phone, calling Aaron and laying the blame on him, going off to get married like nothing had happened. He didn’t deserve to be happy. He didn’t deserve to be married to a woman who thought the world of him. He didn’t deserve a lover who would blindly take the blame for _his_ actions, and then clean up _his_ mess. He didn’t deserve any of it. 

How could Robert claim to love Aaron when he watched him destroy himself every day over a crime that he didn’t commit? How could he claim to love Aaron when he lay in bed with his wife and pushed thoughts of his amazing young man out of his mind? How could he claim to love Aaron and yet demolish him with his words?

He knew Aaron loved him: he had seen it in his eyes well before Aaron actually told him.

A lot of people had called Robert a lot of things in his life. None of them really fit what he was right now. ‘Monster’ did, though. ‘Monster’ worked quite well.

****

> ‘I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it. You know me better than that.’
> 
> ‘Say it again.’
> 
> ‘I love you.’

Robert had never been as scared as when he thought Aaron had thrown himself off the quarry edge. Nothing prepared him for the helpless, hopeless feeling when he didn’t see his lover standing where Robert had seen him last. After that, Aaron just kept destroying himself, and Robert knew that if he didn’t do something soon, Aaron would end up in hospital or worse. 

Aaron stirred next to him and Robert smiled. It was their second night together in Home Farm. After everything that had happened, Robert wanted to give Aaron something worthwhile, something that he could hang onto during the days when they couldn’t see each other nearly as often as they wanted to. He wasn’t scared when he had confessed his feelings to Aaron. He felt relieved, lighter than he had felt in a long time.

‘Morning,’ Aaron greeted, his voice rough and nasally from sleep.

Robert just smiled and kissed him lightly on the lips. Hoisting himself onto his elbow, Aaron leaned over Robert, his eyes roving over his slightly bruised face.

‘It’s looking better,’ he said.

Robert nodded. ‘I’m a fast healer.’ He smirked. ‘Probably immune to them by now, all the beatings I’ve taken over the years.’ Aaron clicked his tongue in displeasure. ‘Sorry.’

Broad fingers traced the yellowed skin softly, and Robert closed his eyes in contentment. This was all he could have ever wanted: a wonderful person who loved him, who made him feel as close to normal as he would allow himself. He could be happy with Aaron, he knew that. And he could make Aaron happy as well. What exactly was stopping him?

The bed shifted under him and Robert opened his eyes to see Aaron straddling him. He smiled, ready to let his hands roam, when Aaron grabbed one of them, slipped it under his t-shirt and held it to his stomach. Immediately, the smile faded. ‘Aaron…’

‘Don’t,’ Aaron murmured. ‘If you talk I won’t be able to get through it.’ Robert nodded, and Aaron talked. ‘I was only eighteen when I met Jackson, but he changed my life. I was so full of self-hatred, y’know? I was gay and I didn’t wanna be. I’d tried to kill myself, I’d punched Jackson; anything to deny who I was. But Jackson, he… he never gave up on me. He always saw the good in me, and he loved me even after everything I had done.’ Aaron took a deep breath. ‘He had an accident in October. The van crashed, turned over onto a train track, and he couldn’t get out when….’ Tears fell down Aaron’s cheeks and into his beard. Robert wiped them away. He wanted to tell Aaron that he didn’t have to carry on, that he could tell him another time, or Robert could get the story from Vic or Diane. But there was steely determination among the pain in the young man’s eyes, so Robert kept quiet. ‘He was paralysed from the neck down,’ Aaron continued. ‘It wasn’t for him: the wheelchair, the bed, feeling like he was helpless. He… he wanted to die, but he couldn’t do it alone, so…’

When Aaron tried not to break down, Robert held him: he sat up with Aaron in his lap and held him to his chest, rocking him like a child. It took five minutes, but Aaron eventually pulled back and wiped his eyes, sniffing and clearing his throat. ‘Sorry,’ he rasped. ‘It’s been a while since I’ve talked about it.’

‘You don’t have to apologise,’ Robert whispered. ‘What you did… it was brave. I couldn’t have done it.’

‘Brave?’ Aaron snapped. ‘I killed the man I loved, and you’re calling it bravery?’

‘It was brave and it was selfless, because you didn’t care what it did to you, Aaron. You only wanted to give Jackson what he wanted.’ He shook his head. ‘You must have loved him so much.’

Aaron nodded, but didn’t meet Robert’s eyes. Robert couldn’t stand the thought that Aaron was ashamed of what he had done. Robert had always been a coward, always been selfish. Aaron was ten times the man Robert could ever hope to be. He didn’t say as much, because god knew how his lover would have reacted in the state he was in, but Robert pressed the sentiment into Aaron’s skin.

‘The scars, the cutting,’ Aaron said after a while, ‘I dunno. My Mum wanted to understand it as well, but I didn’t even know why. I still don’t; not really. I just know that it helped. It relieved this… this pressure here,’ he touched his palm to his head. ‘It let me think, it cleared the fog in my mind.’

‘Do… do you still…’

‘You’ve seen the scars,’ Aaron interrupted. ‘They’re old. I haven’t – not for a while.’

Robert tugged Aaron close to him, as close as he could without physically being inside of him. ‘If you feel that way again, you come to me. You understand? You call me, or-or text me and you talk to me. I meant what I said, Aaron. I can’t lose you. I can’t watch you suffer.’

Aaron melted into Robert’s embrace and let himself be held.

****

> ‘I’m sure she’ll forgive you for the robbery. Not sure if she’ll ever get over me and you, though.’
> 
> ‘You are nothing to me. And if you-if you do anything to jeopardise my marriage… It’ll be the last thing you ever do.’

Robert seemed to make a living out of breaking promises: staying away from Emmerdale, his vows to Chrissie, never hurting Aaron – yet he had done nothing but hurt his younger lover since the moment he had told him Chrissie was coming back. He remembered the panic coursing through his veins when Chas asked if he had seen Aaron. It was the first (and probably only) thing they had actually co-operated on. It didn’t escape his notice that the woman softened towards him when she saw how much he actually cared for her son. That could have been his moment, the perfect moment to confess all to Chrissie, to get away from Home Farm and the Whites and ensconce himself firmly in Aaron’s life. But Robert Sugden was a coward, and so he returned to the easy path and continued to lie. 

‘I don’t know why I’m here.’ Robert was sat at his mother’s grave, his back leaning against the headstone, his legs drawn up to his chin. ‘What would you think of me now, eh? I’ve made a right mess of my life.’ He wiped his hand across his face, dragging the tears across his cheeks. ‘Help me, Mum,’ he said on a heavy exhale. ‘I’ve lost them both, but who should I try to win back? I feel so lost. Chrissie, she… she gives me everything I could need, you know? The money, the status. And she loves me, I know she does. But Aaron… he gives me things I didn’t know I needed. I… I can’t explain. When I’m with him, it just feels… I don’t know. I don’t need anything else when I’m with him. But then, when I’m with Chrissie, and I think of everything I could lose if I lost her, I turn my back on him.’ He shook his head. His tears had almost dried up, but his mind was still a knot of anguish. He rose to his feet.

He walked through the graveyard, but something made him stop at Jackson’s headstone. He hadn’t seen Aaron here in a long while, and he wondered if it was something to do with their affair. From what Aaron had told him about his first boyfriend, Jackson would not have approved of either Robert or the choices they had both made. He stood and looked down at the simple headstone. ‘I think he wishes you were still here,’ he admitted. ‘I think he wishes that more than anything, even more than being with me.’

It was that thought which took him by the hand and led him into the shop to buy a bottle of whiskey.

****

> ‘Do you ever think about the future?’
> 
> ‘Not really, no.’
> 
> ‘I have these past few weeks. It scares me being alone.’

Robert could never really handle being alone. The voices of his demons spoke too loudly in the recesses of his mind. Everything he had ever done; everything he was capable of: it all rushed through his head, and he was powerless to stop it when he was alone. When he had told Aaron that Robert was the only one who understood what he was going through, he didn’t just mean Katie: Aaron had demons that spoke just as loudly as his did. They were two halves of the same soul. Somewhere, some god or another was having a right laugh at them. 

It would have been so easy to fall back into Aaron’s arms, and it would have been so easy to just stick two fingers up to the world and take Aaron with him somewhere… anywhere that they could outrun Emmerdale, and could pretend to outrun their demons. But then, Aaron had reconciled Chrissie and Robert, and the plans which could have changed Robert’s life were left at the wayside, and Robert fell back into Chrissie’s lifestyle.

Robert’s idea of love was that he didn’t deserve it, and Aaron’s idea was probably that it involved sacrifice of some kind. Between them they were quite the double act.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're inclined to, please have a check out of my brand-spanking-new tumblr: portinastorm


End file.
